All posts by Kelly Brookbank

I'm a writer from Alberta. I'm a hockey mom to 2 awesome kids, so I'm always on the go. I'm usually working on a project of some sort or I have one formulating in my brain. I have my own opinions...just ask me! I am honest to a fault and sometimes I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. I have 1 husband, 1 dog and 3 cats.

Good-bye New York

The last time I was writing this blog it was about midnight or 1:00.  For some reason I couldn’t fall asleep for another…oh…about…3 hours.  Yeah, that puts me at around 4:00.  Getting up at 7:00.  Running on 3 hours of sleep is usually setting up a day of torture but the way this trip has been going it’s pretty much par for the course.

Today was the day for the Pitch Slam! Luckily it was early so I decided to wear heels so I could change them after I was done…that was actually a good plan!  The Pitch Slam went well except that I went to agents that had tweeted me back instead of going to agents that would have been a good fit for my book…oh well, live and learn.

By the end of the day I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open but I powered through.  There was a mixer after all the sessions and we were given a free drink so that was giving me energy to stay awake.  I finally got my beer and drank it quickly so I could go back to my room and hit the sheets.  I don’t think I have ever been this tired…actually that’s not true…I’ve been hungover and gone to work before – now that’s painful!

I actually got a good night’s sleep. Ahhhhhh, sleep.  Nothing like waking up from a good night’s sleep.  Well, that actually doesn’t happen to me – I wake up at least 4 times a night so that first time that I woke up it was like, 12:30 (I fell asleep about 10:00) and I knew I had 6 more hours to sleep!  Nothing like waking up and thinking, “I have 6 more hours to sleep!

Sunday’s sessions were awesome.  I learned a tonne.  Sunday was just a half day so I had the rest of the day to explore New York.  My hotel was just off Broadway so it was a perfect place to go walking.  You know what they say…”When in Rome, etc.” so while I was there I had to have a hot dog.  There were lots of hot dog carts right outside the hotel but I was told by a New Yorkian (I don’t think that’s what they’re called, but that’s what I like to call them) that the best hot dog in New York was at a place called Gray’s Papaya.  She also said it was just on the outskirts of Central Park.  Sure, I thought, perfect!  I want to check out Central Park too.

So I started walking.  OMG!  The NBC store!  Yay!  Friends memorabilia!  Saturday Night Live!  Woohoo!  It was late afternoon on Sunday so I figured I would have to buy stuff now because with my luck it wouldn’t be open by the time I came back.  I had to carry around a stupid bag but it was worth it.  The HBO store!  Awesome.  Ummm, not so awesome.  I didn’t even recognize the shows they had stuff in there for.  Sex in the City was about the only one.  Well… and, of course, Game of Thrones, but I haven’t seen the latest season so I didn’t even want to get close in case it gave anything away.  Well, at least I didn’t have to carry any more stuff around.

Ok, onward to the hot dog place.  I walked down broadway and took a bunch of pictures of broadway shows I would love to see; (my pictures aren’t uploading for some reason) I mean actually see the actual shows on broadway.  I have seen some of the travelling shows but I’m not sure that those count.  BTW, the first week in September is Broadway week so you can get 2 for 1 broadway shows….just a little heads up there.  You’re welcome.

So, I wasn’t sure how much roaming I had in my cell phone package so I didn’t want to use it that much.  I had the place plunked into my map and I was pretty sure I was going the right way so I started walking…..But then it seemed like Central Park wasn’t anywhere near where I was walking, so I better check again.  Nope, I was going the wrong way…plus there was a homeless guy sleeping on the sidewalk (Insert picture here)…definitely the wrong way.

So I turned around.  I noticed that Hell’s Kitchen was a block over on the way to the hot dog place so I walked over a block and started walking up from over there.  That’s when I noticed that in New York, there must not be garbage bins because there is garbage bags everywhere on the sidewalks.  What the fuck?  Anyway, Hell’s Kitchen was not the Hell’s Kitchen I thought it was. (Insert picture here)

After two hours of walking, I finally made it to Gray’s Papaya (Insert picture).  Well after two hours of walking, I’m pretty sure a real deep fried weiner dog would have tasted good!  But this hot dog was pretty good (insert picture).  I think I should have ordered the frankfurter because the hot dog was really long and skinny, which really reminded me of a…well, whatever (Insert picture…just kidding).  They put a sauce on it that was a creamy horseradishy sauce.  It was pretty tasty but it wasn’t worth walking two hours for.  The ice cream cone that I got from the ice cream truck was pretty fan-fucking-tastic though, I’ll tell you that much! (insert picture)

On the two hours that I had to walk back to my hotel room I saw Central Park (finally) (insert picture), some of the shops on Broadway (picture) and buskers (picture).  I’ll tell you what, people in New York don’t walk fast enough.  That drove me nuts.  I should have tried a hot dog from a hot dog cart but I did not…shame on me.  I guess I will have to go back to try one. (Anyone want to come?)

The way home was not so fun, I don’t know if it was the hot dog or what, but something made me start throwing up.  Oh, I know what it was…the taxi on the way to the airport had some weird vent coming from the front seat to the back (picture).  I thought it was hillbilly air conditioning, but now that I think about it…

I got to the airport in Toronto and I was able to keep everything down until I got to the toilet (I’m a puker from way back – I’m able to control it pretty well) (picture….ha ha).  I figured out it was the coffee from the NY airport.  Fucking coffee.  That’ll learn me for drinking coffee without baileys.  But good news, our flight is delayed an hour.  Good fucking christ.  I’m nauseous and feel like shit and now my flight is delayed?  Great.  Now what?  We have to switch gates?  Sure, why not.  The plane’s not ready yet, we just have to switch gates.

We finally start boarding – at the time when we were supposed to take off – after it was delayed, so we were delayed about an hour & half.  The plane was fully booked too so I wasn’t able to upgrade my seat (I figured I should probably be close to the toilet.) but I managed to keep my food/drink down and actually caught a couple of winks!  Everything was fine except I got a call as I was driving home that I left my iPad on the plane (of course I did….).  Fuck stick.  I’ll go get it another day, I am not about to turn around and go get it!

So…all in all, the last couple of days were eventful.  Some good, some bad…but the most important thing was that I had two agents ask to see more of my book.  Score!  I also had two other agents suggest to send my book to another agent at their office, which is a good thing too.  Woohoo!  So fingers crossed that something comes from one of those opportunities.  But if it doesn’t (it will) the convention was invaluable in itself.

 

Aaaaand so it continues…..

I’m not really sure why I don’t hear the boarding calls for flights, I just don’t.  I guess I just like to wait until I hear them call my name.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  This happened when my daughter and I went to Utah a couple of weekends ago too – we just about missed a flight because we were at the wrong doors. That one wasn’t really our fault though, the doors we were supposed to be at were, like, halfway down a weird corridor, so….who is supposed to know where those are?  Just the rest of the passengers, that’s who.  My poor daughter… hopefully she doesn’t get my full-blown idiocy, cause I know she has glimpses of it…

After I waited in the Toronto airport for 3 & 1/2 really uncomfortable hours, they finally opened the baggage drop area so I could get rid of my suitcase…which did come in handy because I got my sweater and socks out (it was chilly in there in the dead of night with only an older gentleman having a snooze, spread out on the seats across from me and a middle-aged woman sitting up straight the entire time we were waiting there!  My guess is she was constipated….) Anyway, so the doors open to allow us entry into the rest of the airport where we could go inside to find our boarding gate.

The guy across from me was still snoozing and I thought about waking him, but there was a whole bunch of people standing around waiting and he was taking up 3 seats so I chose not to.  I mean, I sat up…there was a huge TV behind my head so I had to slouch right down so I didn’t hit my head against it, but at least I made the other very uncomfortable arrangement of seats available for someone else to either slouch down or sit forward in.  So no, snoozy did not get a wake-up nudge from me…

I made my way over to my gate. I was starving but there was nothing open, so I sat down on the bar-type seating with little iPads affixed to the tables and proceeded to play blackjack.  If you signed up for this little game you could collect points that, if you accumulated enough wins from the hands you played, you could redeem the points from the restaurant-type place that was situated, conveniently, in the middle of the seating area.  Once I had ran out of “money” it gives you, I had accumulated enough points that I could have cashed them in for an apple, but I decided to “let-it-ride” until the next time I played.  Maybe next time I’ll have enough points for a slice of bread.

They finally opened the doors to all the stores.  I overheard one of the waiters saying they were late because of the strike going on.  I didn’t notice the strike – must have been because I was all crouched down…I got me a starbucks, magazine, snacks and waited for the boarding calls.  I had asked the agent before when they were going to start calling everyone (she actually cut me off at about “start”) and she said, “6:10”, so I assumed that she was going to start calling everyone to start boarding then…Nope, that was when the flight left…good thing I heard my name!  Once again, I was very close to missing my flight…AGAIN, not my fault – totally hers – why would I want to know when the flight leaves?  That’s on my ticket, I wanted to know when we were going to start boarding so I could go stand in the huge Starbucks line and relax, knowing I didn’t have to be back!  Dumb cow.

But!  Once again, I chose the “Plus” seats, but the flight was only an hour so I didn’t get much for first class amenities and I figured it was too soon to start drinking beer so I just tried to sleep.  Nope, not a wink.  Oh well, so I grabbed my purse out of the overhead compartment and was on my way (I was in the first seats).  I bolted out of there because I wanted to get to the hotel as quickly as I could.  I was following the baggage arrow signs and went through the sliding doors with the big red writing on the floor that said, “NO RE-ENTRY”.  I thought to myself, wow – that’s abrupt!  What if you forget somethi….Son of a Gatorade bottle!  I forgot my fucking backpack on the plane!  Crabby lady DID NOT let me re-enter, so I ran downstairs and talked to the WestJet Baggage dude and he went to go find it for me, phew!!!

Now – take the big transfer bus and try to figure out which one (Red Line or Blue Line) goes to my hotel or take a cab?  Fuck it, I’m late – I better take a cab.  Well, holy-hit-the-breaks every 10 seconds!  I had to take a nausea pill half-way to the hotel.  That still didn’t do the trick and I was dry-heaving in my hotel room.  It was probably a combination of touchy-breaky cab driver and the fact that I hadn’t eaten very well, but I was not up for a pre-conference session.  I went to bed and slept on and off pretty much the whole day, missing the entire session that I busted my ass to get there for.  Well, shit-balls-of-fire!  What the fuck else is going to happen on this trip?  Stay tuned….

I’m pretty sure this only happens to me….

Funny story…I’m sitting in the airport in Toronto waiting for my connecting flight to New York at 6:05am.  Not as funny as you’d expect out of a witty character such as I, but here’s where the hilarity comes in…I was supposed to be boarding a flight last night in Edmonton, which was coming to Toronto and would be connecting me on to New York.  Funny as shit, isn’t it?  Do these things only happen to me?  Or should the question be, “why do these things keep happening to me?”

I’m heading to New York this weekend for a writer’s convention, which I am immensely excited for.  I haven’t been this full of anticipation since I ordered those incredibly comfortable bras (the second order of bright coloured ones.  Those bras are really. fucking. comfortable!  So I had to order more.).  So I have been preparing for this weekend for a while now.

My daughter and I tried on some outfits earlier this morning so I had my clothes picked out already, I just had to throw them into the suitcase.  The suitcase was already upstairs because…well because I’m too fucking lazy to put it downstairs where it belongs, don’t judge me.

So I decided to go on my phone and look at my conference schedule and I got totally distracted and decided I should look to see if there’s an app for whatever airline I was taking.  I checked it out and I was flying Air Canada (not my choice – that was what airmiles gave me that worked out the best) so I got distracted again and thought I should try to check-in.  What in the fuckity-doo-dah-day?  Why can’t I check in?  I better get out the laptop for this!

When I get out my laptop, that means big business!  Not really, you’re just able to do more things with the computer vs. the phone.  So I get out the reservation details, put them in and…son-of-a-Dirk Diggler, it says that information is for a traveller that did not check-in to 1 or more flights!!!  Check my information and sure-as-shitty-bang bang, my flight was for the previous night!  Fuck a bag of crickets… I totally had it in my head that I was leaving Thursday and getting in Friday!

So I furiously get on the computer (I mean, stay on the computer) and book the next flight I can to New York.  Best I can do is leave Edmonton at 6:00pm and get into New York at 8:30am.  Now, the reason why I’m going to New York is because I’m going to a writer’s convention (yes, I totally see the irony in this…writing about going to a writer’s convention…you smarty pants) and I have signed up for a pre-conference seminar aaaaaand it starts at 9:00.  Now, I have never been to New York, but I’m betting that Laguardia Airport is not so close to downtown that I will get there in time to check-in and be at my conference in half an hour.  Dow-tful.  So I’m probably going to miss the first part of my pre-conference….not to mention the day of exploring that I had planned by getting in a day early!

So by this time it was noon.  I hadn’t showered, I hadn’t eaten, of course I had my coffee & baileys, (I DO have my priorities straight) but that’s about it.  So I hurriedly had a shower (remembering to put my shampoo & conditioner on the counter after so I could dry them before packing them – yay me) and packed my suitcase and my carry-on bags – phew!  I’ll figure out what I forgot when I get there.

One other thing that I have been doing to prepare for this weekend is researching the agents that are going to be there.  You see, I have signed up for a Pitch Slam.  It’s kind of like speed dating, except with agents.  You get to sit down in front of them all, for 3 minutes each and sell yourself & your book.  To prepare for this, I took each one and put them on their own page in a word document.  The conference lists what it is that they’re looking for in a book so I copy & pasted that too.  Then I went on to their website and looked for any additional information and added that too.  Then I went through and highlighted any of the ones that are looking for the genre of my book.  Totally fucking forgot to print it out and bring it with me!  Son-of-a-paperless-printer!!!

I also went through the agent list and followed each one on twitter (if they are on twitter) and sent the ones that would possibly be interested my book a message:  Look forward to seeing you in NY this weekend!  #mynameisagnes #WDC2017 and then I would # something directly from their bio on the conference website.

One of the agents that I sent a message on twitter I had actually queried before (that means that I sent them a letter, telling them about my book and that I think they should represent me).  The message went something like this:  Hey agent, I look forward 2 meeting U in NY this weekend.  FYI I queried U back on March 16th. Oh that was a long time ago…awkward.

I hope she has a good sense of humour.

So here I am, waiting for my flight, in the main waiting area of the Toronto airport.  What a fucked up system!  If your connecting flight is overnight, you have to go collect your bag and then hang out by the check-in areas because the baggage drop-off doesn’t open up until 3:30 or something stupid!!  Seriously?

BUT!  Because I’m Even Stephanie, here’s the silver linings:

Why do these things keep happening to me?  Because I need a fucking assistant!  So maybe this weekend I will find an agent, who will get me a book deal, which will sell a shit tonne of books and I will keep writing best sellers so I can get an assistant!!!!

At least the flight that I missed was booked with airmiles.  I will be getting in and going straight to the hotel because the conference is as the hotel I’m staying at, otherwise I would have gotten in at 8:30 in the morning or whatever it was and would have had to wait until 3:00 to check-in!  The seat that I chose was in the Plus section so I got free food and booze!  And I didn’t even pay for it!!  Because I’m staying at the host hotel I won’t be that late for the pre-conference.

I had done up a word document to present to the agents that I sit down with that has a synopsis of “My Name is Agnes” and the next book I’m working on, along with all of the other ideas that I have.  I did remember to print that off and bring it with me!  Woo hoo!  And books, I brought copies of my books.  So that’s really the most important things.

Hopefully the rest of the trip will go as smoothly as the first part…..

I’m Ba-aaack

Wow, how long has it been?  It’s been a long time, however long it’s been!  So here’s my problem…in my head I envision things taking a couple of hours and in reality they take 3 weeks.  Seriously, I thought that planting my flowers, in my head, was going to take an afternoon…in reality, how long has it been? well, it took that long.

This was my process.  I planted a few seeds and by a few seeds, I mean a few seeds of about 50 different kind of plants.  Because! not all of the plants are going to take, right?  I started them in my house and then I took them into my shop.  Then I had a few bulbs to plant, and by a few, I mean about 15 different kinds, with at least 5 bulbs in each bag.

This year I decided I was just going to do pots. 1) because we thought about moving…that has been put on the back burner for now.  2) because we have a ridiculous puppy who eats and

chews and digs and who knows what. C) because I like them.  The problem is that I had way more plants than pots.  BUT I found this awesome spray paint for plastic!  It’s so cool!  AND THEN!  I found awesomer spray paint, with awesomer colours for cheaper!!  So I spray painted a bunch of 5 gallon pails these really pretty colours and used them as flower pots!  Sweet!

 

I have magazine and books for plans to make pots so early on I searched for seeds, but of course I couldn’t find all of them.  I went to greenhouses to find seeds, but there were so many pretty plants I had to buy some plants that were already in bloom so I had even more plants to plant….on top of all the seeds that I had planted.

So every day I would go out to the shop, saying to myself this is the last day. Every. Day. All. Day. Planting, planting, planting.  BUT, now the plants are starting to bloom and they are B-U-T-FULL!!

 

But alas, I’m still not done….some of the little plants that I planted in the planters haven’t survived. Mostly the fillers and spillers.  You’re supposed to plant Thrillers, Fillers and Spillers.  The Thrillers are doing well because they are the bulbs but the fillers and spillers are the seeds that I planted and I may have put them out a bit too soon. Fuck a duck.  BUT, I still have some left in the shop….actually a shit tonne left in the shop so I’m going to replace lots of them.

 

I also have a plan to do an all seasons planter that I’m pretty excited about but, of course, I have to start them from seed and I had to order them from eBay.  I also bought a bunch of succulent seeds that I’m totally stoked about!  So ya…I’m starting the process all over again….without even finishing the last projects…..

So now, of course, I have over-bought seeds on e-bay and will have dirt and plants coming out of my ass, once again!!  And then the guilt takes over…should I really be doing this?  Is there something else I
should be doing that’s more important?  Like the VA course that I’m taking?  I should really get more done on my second book. But I don’t want the money that I spent on these seeds to go to waste….etc, etc, etc.

But I don’t know why I worry – it only takes an afternoon to get done….

 

Dumb & Dumber

I don’t think I’m stupid as much as dumb. And I think there’s a difference.  Stupid is as stupid does….just kidding.  I feel like stupid is a born unintelligent thing.  Nothing that can be done.  Maybe Luminosity for a couple hours a day?  That might help.  And I think dumb is just having brain farts on a consistent basis.  It’s not a school grades thing either because I didn’t get very good grades but I was a kinaesthetic learner.  I won’t get into that cause I would go on forever but when I’m all rich and famous I’m going to start the Advocacy for Kinaesthetic Learning in Schools.  (See, dumb people wouldn’t say shit like that.)  But I would have to hire someone to do that because I’m going to be too busy being all rich and famousy.

And I don’t think I’m dumb, I do dumb things.  Like one time when I was in college my roommate and I were watching tv and a commercial came on about maxi pads and the piece that you take off to expose the adhesive.  The commercial was advertising that you can use that piece to dispose of the pad.  I said, “That’s so stupid, who is going to carry that around?”  My roommate looked at me like my brains were melting out of my nose.  It dawned on me what I had just said and I was like, “Ohhhhh. Yeahhhh.  Never mind!”

Another time I was reading a magazine and there was a bunch of recipes in them.  There were a couple of words in there that my brain just could not register.  I knew I had seen them before but I just couldn’t recognize them.  Have you ever done that?  Looked at a word and it just doesn’t look right?  I finally said to my mom (and I’m going to type this phonetically)  “What the fuck is hores dovers?”  and my mom said (with a very judgy voice, I might add….)  “You mean, hors d’oeuvres?”  “Oh!  Ya that’s it!”  I said.  Then we laughed and we laughed and we laughed….

Yesterday my brain legit stopped working.  Seriously stopped working.  But it all worked out because at least I was driving and I hit a curb so the noise made my brain go, “Oh hey!  I need to work in order for my body to stay alive!”  And the big tires on the school bus didn’t affect anything.  The kids loved it – one of them actually yelled out, “We love you Cory Anne!”  I had a migraine so I think my brain just said, “you know what? I don’t feel like working any more.  Fuck off.”  Phew, good thing that doesn’t happen very often!

It’s totally my fault that I do dumb things too.  I’ve trained my brain to be lazy.  I heard – probably in junior high – that Einstein’s theory was ‘never memorize any information that is readily available to you.’ Like, back then, phone numbers because we had phone books.  So now my brain is totally lazy.  Obviously nowadays he would change his theory because everything is readily available so there would be no reason to memorize anything.  Fucking Einstein made me dumb.

And then there’s those times that you just don’t get things.  It doesn’t happen to me, of course, because I’m not that dumb but you know when someone is trying to explain something to you, I mean someone, and they just can’t get the punchline?  Like this one: (remember this from Facebook?)  There’s 30 cows in the field, 28 chickens, how many didn’t?  I remember sitting in a restaurant trying to explain this joke to someone and there was just NO getting through!  The joke is “There’s 30 cows in the field, 20 ate chickens, how many didn’t?  And then you can almost see the lightbulb go off, can’t you?  I know that lightbulb feeling…you almost feel elated when it goes off but then you’re like, oh right…I’m still dumb.

At least when I’m dumb I’m smart enough to realize that I’ve been dumb.  So that’s good.  I think…I don’t know, I’m dumb.

I am the female counterpart of Even Steven – Even Stephanie

Have you ever heard of Even Steven?  I am Even Stephanie.  Everything bad that happens, there is an equally good thing that happens…or at least that’s my outlook on things.  I suppose another person could just look at the shitty parts and just say, “Wow – you have incredibly shitty luck!” or “Maybe you should just stay indoors…” but I choose to look at the good things too.  Let’s look at my day yesterday for example:

I had to go to the city yesterday.  I’m not a good driver.  I mean I drive well, I just happen to get really, really, really tired when I drive.  Like 15 minutes into the drive I can fall asleep and I have to fight to keep my eyes open the entire time…it’s really painful.  So I have to do something to stay awake.  Bad:  I fall asleep driving.  Good:  I get to eat timbits and the whole way to the city.

I get terrible migraines.  I take 14 anti-migraine pills a day.  As soon as I get into the truck to drive to the city I get a headache.  Bad:  I get a headache…..again.  Good:  I have percosets.  This isn’t my first affair with percosets.  About 8 years ago I was on percosets for 2 years, when they stopped working I stopped taking them.  Then about 5 years ago I was on them for another couple of years – they stopped working and I stopped taking them.  Bad:  I have shit going on that’s bad enough that I have to take percosets.  Good:  I can just stop taking them and I don’t get addicted.

I was going to the city to get some jerseys fixed, that was the purpose of going to the city.  I dropped them off at United Cycle and while I was there I found some shorts for my son and a shirt that was on sale too – bonus!  I had to stick around the city and wait for them to call me to find out if they could get them done by Wednesday because we are leaving for Kelowna on Thursday.

This year I have decided I am going to pot plants instead of planting them in the ground….well most of them anyway….a few of them I am going to plant, like a pink and white bleeding heart bush – I love those bushes, which is really too bad because we are planning to move into town but, whatever!  I’ve never seen a white bleeding heart bush before, I hope whoever buys our place will enjoy them!  But I am going to make pots and then bring them in and hopefully they will survive for a long time.  Plus my dog will probably destroy anything that I plant….he’s probably going to destroy all the pots too but at least I can put them up out of his reach!

So I have a magazine and a book that I have picked out plans for pots and made a list of all the bulbs and seeds that I need.  I already went to the local stores to look and couldn’t find 97% of them.  I’m not sure, but I think I already missed out on the seed season?  What the fuck – seriously?  Or is it that I am looking for irregular seeds?  Uhhhh, well it could be that it’s because it’s Even Stephanie looking for them.

I take my list to Home Depot first.  (***This is where my post cut off yesterday for some reason – I had the whole post done but it didn’t save!  Bad: Fucking irritating!  Good:  I took a nap.***) Bad:  All the bulbs and seeds are the same as all the other big box stores.  Good:  I had a gift card so I could replace all the bulbs that my idiot dog took out of my greenhouse and ate.  Yup, that’s right – he ate flower bulbs…he actually tore the bag apart and ate the flower bulbs.  I wonder if there’s going to be little flowers in his shit?

I went to Costco to see if any of their bulbs were ones that I needed because they would be cheaper there.  Nope, none of them I needed. – obviously that’s the bad part, but it’s Costco so the good part is that I get to shop!  I look at the books.  Bad:  I get sad that my book isn’t there.  I’ve actually reached out to see if I can get the number of the book buyer but I haven’t heard from them yet.  Good:  My favourite Author, Tami Hoag’s new book, The Bitter Season is there! Yay!  And they also have some shorts for my son and, son of a water-skier – he actually liked them!!

United Cycle calls, the jerseys are done!  Bad:  I don’t get to come into the city to shop again. Good:  I don’t have to come into the city again.  I forgot that I need baileys so I decide to go to the other Costco because there’s a greenhouse right by it.  I only meant to get a case of baileys but I accidentally got some of that beer
iced-tea, then my husband likes coors original and, of course, some Corona.  Bad:  Got way more booze than intended.  Good:  Ready for camping season.

While I’m at Costco that has fuel stations I always fill up because it’s always at least 10 cents cheaper than the town that I live in.  Bad: I cut my finger getting the fuel cap off.  Who does that happen to?  Oh right, me.  And that’s not the first time that’s happened either!  Good:  It’s cheap gas so I guess it’s worth it..

I get to the greenhouse and there’s still the same bulbs that are everywhere else.  I guess I’m too late in the season to be buying shit to grow, it have to buy the plants.  Ok, whatever.  I go through all the plants and buy what’s on my list. Son of a bingo player, I still have 22 plants on my list that I can’t find!  Bad:  I have to figure out what plants will replace the ones that I couldn’t find.  Good:  I found Venus Flytrap Plants!  So cool!!!

So now I have taken over my house and garage with plants and planting stuff because we are going away for the weekend and I don’t want all my plants to die in my greenhouses.  Plus, I get a lot of work done at night watching the hockey games and I’m not going to miss them so I
might as well be doing something while I’m watching them!!  Go Oilers!!

 

Well, I must get back to my planting.  Bad:  I tend to kill my plants.  Good:

Reviews of Chewing Gum, Crazy Heads, Solace & Clevercutter

So I was watching CityLine the other day and the creator of Working Moms was on.  She was pretty cool.  She explained why she started the show, blah, blah, blah.  I decided I would give Working Moms 1 more chance.  I’ll let you know how that goes….

Chewing Gum on Netflix is written by and stars Michaela Coel. The show is about Tracey Gordon, an awkward twenty-something that has been dating the same ultra-religious man for 4 years but hasn’t so much as kissed, but she is so sexually curious she could burst. She is also being raised by an over-the-top religious mom & sister but has very ‘experienced’ friends.
This is a British television show, with a very fast talking cast so it’s hard to understand them most of the time. (and I have many years of watching Coronation Street so I am used to the accent!) A lot of the time the comedy is visual so you pretty much get the point.  The main character’s acting is very good and the comedy is laugh-out-loud.  It made it beyond the first season and has the 2nd season on Netflix so it must be doing something right!  If you can get over the language barrier it’s a half hour of good laughs.   I’ll give it a 6.75

Crazyhead on Netflix is another British TV show but this one is a lot easier to understand!  This one is very much like the American show “Grimm” except these two girls, Amy and Raquel, can just see demons – not all magical creatures.  Amy is new to this whole “seeing demons” thing but Raquel has been able to see them since she was 14 so she is now showing Amy the ropes.  The first episode I thought the storyline was brilliant, but now I don’t know if I would use the word brilliant….cool maybe.  Ya, cool is a better word.  Amy is very prudish (and she can’t run, that’s such a pet peeve of mine.  I mean really – if you’re casting someone in an action show you need to find someone who can run for fuck sakes!) Raquel is funny as shit with a very unfortunate fashion sense.  Funny side note – The shirt she was wearing (leopard print with solid green on the top and then a different coloured sleeve) was the same shirt one of the characters was wearing on Coronation Street!  Ha ha.  And its sooooo bad!  That’s why I noticed it!  Bwaaa haha haha

This show had me laugh out loud in the first five minutes.  Raquel just says the absolute funniest things!  Of course it’s totally far fetched and you want to hate it because it’s so silly but you have to love it because of Raquel and Amy is so adorable and naive.  Then you have Jake, who is in love with Amy and he is awkward and talks to himself in a sweet, funny, creepy way and you kind of root for him to get the girl but she likes the really hot, like drooling hot! brother of Raquel who is adorable and sweet too.  And hot, did I mention hot?  This show doesn’t have a very high rating on Netflix but it has a higher rating on IMDB.  I rate it a 7.25.  Many LOL’s!

Wal-Mart Select movie Solace Starring Anthony Hopkins & Colin Farrell.  I’m not sure why they put Colin Farrell as one of the top billing actors because he wasn’t exactly a main character, but oh well.  Anyway, Jeffery Dean Morgan (I know him best as Denny from Grey’s Anatomy) is an FBI special agent who is hunting a serial killer and enlists the help of special agent Clancy (Anthony Hopkins) who  has been in isolation for 2 years after the death of his daughter.  Clancy is psychic, but the problem is so is the serial killer!

I love Anthony Hopkins, his acting is brilliant.  I love Colin Farrell too but for different reasons… This movie was a total, edge-of-your-seat kind of movie.  I didn’t even want to get up to pee and I have the bladder of Pez dispenser.  I’m not a huge fan of Jeffery Dean Morgan’s acting but there’s one scene that he did particularly well – I’m sure you’ll know it when you see it.  I will dock the movie for leaving you going – “Ok, so now what’s he going to do?”  I fucking hate that.  I like to have clarity at the end of a movie.  So I’m going to give this movie an 8.  It will be on my list of movies that I play over and over again at night to fall asleep.

The Clevercutter.  I’ve always wanted to try out these kitchen scissors, so the last time I went into the “As seen on TV” store I decided to try them.  They offered me the insurance but I declined – I guess that should have been my first clue.  They’re shit.  I put a bunch of green onions together and this was the result:

Son of a Ceasar Salad I should have got the insurance…They only cut hard stuff – not soft.  I wanted them to cut everything!!  So it’s going to be another gadget that sits in my drawer or it will go into the garage sale pile and hopefully none of the 8 people that read my blog show up to the garage sale!

Next review will be Win Win starring Paul Giamatti and Jeffrey Tambor (Love both of them!) and Sugar Mountain (I don’t know anybody in this movie).   I’ve ordered some shit from Facebook that I get sucked into so I’ll review something from that too.  I’m also going to review these sliders from Taste of Home magazine:

Can you imagine?

What celebrity do you think you would get along really well with?  I think Tina Fey and I would be bezzy mates.  Our sense of humour is very similar and we have kids around
the same age-ish.  I think Amy Poehler and I would get along smashingly too but her kids are a lot younger than mine and she’s divorced now, not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Plus that would make us a party of 3 and that just makes it awkward…I also wouldn’t want them fighting over me.   Can you imagine being the cause of breaking up Tina
Fey and Amy Poehler?  The whole world would hate me!

I think Phoebe Buffay (from Friends) and Marilyn Monroe would have made good friends.  If not friends, they would have had some interesting conversations.  Probably not really intelligent conversations but interesting ones.  Did you know that Lisa Kudrow is super D duper smart? She was going to be a neurologist before switching careers.  Did you know that really smart people probably don’t say “super D duper”?

I would love to listen in on the conversation between Homer Simpson and Einstein….well, pretty much on any subject, but especially having Homer explain the internet to Einstein.  I think Homer would say “thingy” a lot and I believe Einstein would say, “You must repeat zat again” or “zis iz just not posseeble!” ….and maybe a few “huh?”s.

Ok, here’s one for you.  I would love, love, love to see Barbara Streisand, Steven Tyler (from Aerosmith), Amy Schumer and
Sheldon Cooper (from Big Bang Theory) go bowling.  Babs would be all, “This game is bullshit – I threw the fucking ball down the middle and it still went in the gutter!”  Sheldon would say, “Well Ms. Streisand, if you calculated the trajectory of the ball with the conduction of speed…plus it would help if you weren’t wearing that ballgown.”  Then you’d hear a “Fuck, I broke a nail” from Steven Tyler.  Amy Schumer would say, “Ummm, Steven….can I call you Steven?  Steven, maybe you should bend over and throw the ball between your legs.  Hmmm?”  as she drools all over the place.  Then Steven Tyler would shout out, “Hey! Can we get some shooters over here?”  Then Babs would whisper to Sheldon, “It’s about time someone brought out the booze!”  Sheldon would be disgusted, of course.  Or it would go something like that….

I think Brad Pitt needs to have a talking to from Edward Cullen from the Twilight series.  I’m still pissed off at him for cheating on Jennifer Anniston with crazy-ass Jolie.  I don’t care if she’s all dopt-the-world, she still wore a vile of blood around her neck when she was with Billy Bob Thorton. That’s bat-shit crazy people!  So Brad is a total dipshit for cheating on sweetheart Jennifer Anniston.  I mean, come on!  She basically gave him his big break by getting him a guest appearance on Friends!  OK, maybe not but that was a really funny episode.  I’ve referenced Friends twice now – I must harbour some
real resentment that they cancelled that show!  I actually had a shirt that said “I MISS MY F-R-I-E-N-D-S” (you know, they’re insignia?)  It was really cute.  Anyway, now he’s all alone and shit – serves you right!!  Although he’s Brad Pitt…I’m sure he’ll find someone.  So maybe Edward can tell him how to really appreciate a woman…and hold on to her!

Of course there are a tonne of people that I would love to talk to.  Who wouldn’t want to take Lucy from I Love Lucy to the bar to play pool or to make your own pottery?  She would be a fucking blast!  Or taking Stewie Griffin (the little loud mouth kid from Family Guy. Can everybody hear him?  That confuses me.) to a hockey game.  I would love to hear his comments.  “What?  That is roughing!”  Then he would start punching people.  With a maniacal laugh, “This is roughing!”

BUT, if there was anyone I could really talk to, without any bullshit political bullshit or interruptions, just honest questions, it would be Rachel Notley or Justin Trudeau…for obvious reasons.  And I would love to meet Ellen Degeneres.  I sent her my book last week so I hope that one comes true…fingers crossed!!

 

 

The Reviews Are In! The Edge of Seventeen, Cake & Workin’ Moms

If this shitty weather doesn’t make you want to stay in and watch movies – you’re probably a ski type person or a tinker bell, chronically happy type person.  Uck.

Wal-Mart has a new feature with their movies – it’s called Wal-mart Select.  It’s a little black & white sticker in the upper right hand corner of obscure movies that Wal-Mart has picked that they think (I assume) are diamonds in the rough.

The first movie that I watched was called “The Edge Of Seventeen”.  It stars Hailee Seinfeld – Pitch Perfect 2, Oscar winning performance True Grit) as an awkward teenager with 2 friends… her best friend Krista (Haley Lu Richardardson – recently in the move Split) and her teacher (Woody Harrelson – no introduction needed).  Nadine is already awkward, but she feels completely alone and hopeless when one morning she finds her best friend in bed with her hated, older brother Darian (Blake Jenner – Glee…yummy!)

This movie is very much Juno-like (I loved Juno) except Nadine doesn’t get pregnant, oh I hope I didn’t give too much away there….  Nadine doesn’t fit in with the crowd.  Her conversations with her “doesn’t-really-give-a-shit” teacher are very funny.  Then she meets a new boy and he is very much like Paulie Bleeker in Juno, who was Awesome-sauce!!  He is too cute.  This movie is just very good.  Great writing and good acting.  Feel good movie and is a great teenager movie.  I give it a 7 out of 10 and I will be VERY critical of movies, so 7 is good!

Another movie that I have had for a very long time and that I just got around to watching is called Cake.  Strangely enough, I now see it in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart, which really pisses me off because I had to order it from e-bay.  FML.  Anyway – it stars Jennifer Aniston  who is battling an addiction from pain killers, stemming from her back pain resulting from a car accident.  The back cover says that it is darkly funny but I disagree – it is just dark, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  It also stars a not-so-damaged, but still gritty Sam Worthington (Avatar, Clash of the Titans) who she forces into her life and her extremely loyal housekeeper Adriana Barraza (She was apparently in Thor, but I didn’t recognize her. I love IMDB!).  Anna Kendrick, Felicity Huffman & William H. Macy (did you know they’re married?  Felicity & William – not all 3) had bit parts, Anna’s a bigger part, but still all good.

Claire is very bitter…that’s an understatement, she’s a rank bitch.  She used to be a lawyer, but now she just lives day to day in a fog of pain killers and wine.  She has a support group but they kick her out.  One of the people in her support group committed suicide and now her spirit or her drugged up hallucination of her is showing up to bitch at her so she feels she needs to figure out what the hell is up with this ghost.

If you’re looking for a feel good movie, this is not it.  This is a very good movie but it is very dark.  I feel like Jennifer Aniston always plays the same type of character and this is just another one of those.  I mean she’s a good actress but if she really wanted to stretch her wings than she would have been downtrodden, homeless and hooked on heroin.  I did, however, love the storyline.  There were a couple of funny moments but not enough to call it a comedy – it’s definitely a drama.  My favourite character had to have been Felicity Huffman’s and Adriana Barraza gave a very good performance as well.  I would give it a 6.5.

I watched the season finale (I know, stupid episode to watch) of Workin’ Moms.  The reason why I watched it was because the commercial looked funny (it was a woman in bed and her alarm went off, so she – exhausted – turned it off and went back to sleep and then another alarm on the other side of her bed went off so she woke up, all disheveled, to turn that one off as well, only to go back to sleep again).  I will never watch another episode.  It was not funny, although it had some great opportunities to be funny – it totally missed the mark.  I don’t know if I just misinterpreted the commercial or what, but the show was not funny and it totally pissed me off.

So this woman was the bread winner in the family (I assume) and the dad was staying at home.  She was away working, had been working hard on this presentation. Oh wait, before that – they skyped in the morning and the baby (who looked about 8 months old) had a bum rash that the dad was freaking out about.  She told him to ask (and then she listed about 3 women) to come over and he said he already asked them and they were busy.  Then she told him what to do.  Ummm, ever heard of the internet?  So she was in the middle of this presentation and she gets a phone call.  Her idiot husband calls her from the hospital because he had taken the baby there and he had tests done.  Ummmm, what?  Tests were done?  You didn’t have the test results?  What the fuck was Mommy supposed to do from there?   You couldn’t have waiting until you got the results back?

Sure as fuck if the roles were reversed Mommy would have waited until she got the results back and you had a game plan in place because guess what?  You’re in a fucking hospital!  You’re in the best place you could possibly be for the baby!!  What’s daddy going to do to help?  And you know what?  Another fucking 15 minutes, half an hour, hour isn’t going to make a difference!  But no, this ridiculous show has the dad call in the middle of the presentation because the baby had tests done and say the baby has measles…..maybe!  Maybe? Maybe?!?! Making Mommy feel guilty, leaves the presentation and flies home to be with ‘stupid-as-stethoscope dad’ to crawl in the crib with baby.  WTF?  I’ll give it a 2 out of 10 because there was a funny moment with one of the moms.

Next Reviews – Chewing Gum, Crazy Heads (both Netflix sitcoms), another Wal-Mart Select and those heatless, colourful, painless, curlers everyone is seeing on Facebook

Excuse? Reason? Potato? Tomato?

What is the difference between an excuse and a reason?  Well let me tell you – obviously I’m going to tell you because if I didn’t the blog would be over…der. (That’s a word I say instead of duh.  You know…like…der.  Ya! Like that.)  Squirrel!  Anyhoo – I think the difference between an excuse and reason is believability.  Let me explain…

So, I have this rare fucking condition (I have many conditions – some are legit, some I make up – this one is real) called granuloma annulare that gives me these awesome tumors, bumps and lumps on my hands.  They’re really pretty – kind of like mold is pretty on cottage cheese – and annoying.  I’ve been going to my doctor every 10 days to get shots in the really big tumor looking one.  I don’t just get one shot though – oh nay nay, I get about 4 and he sticks the needle in and then moves it around and shoots it up.  Good times.  So now it’s all swolled up (yes I realize that’s not a word but I like it, therefor it is now a word.  I will start a dictionary of my own sometime.) and painful.  It hurts.  But typing I can compensate with other fingers, obviously.

SO!  Now, if I was to say to the husband that I couldn’t clean today because of my finger he would 1) assess whether he has a chance of having sex tonight and say ok or, more than likely, 2) say that it was an excuse.  Now, both of us know that I don’t like cleaning so the husband would definitely say it’s an excuse but I think it is a reason because my finger hurts!

If I was supposed to play volleyball today – my finger would be a reason I couldn’t but if I said I had irritable bowel syndrome – that would be an excuse.   Being sick – that’s a conundrum, cause everybody says that they’re sick and how many people really are?  And lots of people work through their sickness.  So most people don’t believe when other people are sick – so they think it’s an excuse. Unless they’re really sick – then it’s a reason – SO confusing….Then there’s just plain lying…I don’t think we have tie to get into that…

I used to work with someone when I was young who would come up with a different excuse every day that they couldn’t work – it became the running joke in our house.  “So, what’s the excuse today?”  “Well, apparently she broke her leg today.”  The next day her leg was perfectly fine.  She was very young but it was very funny.  I wonder if her kids do that today?

I have decided I am going to do something different with this blog.  I am going to keep doing my funny little blogs like this because we all needs laughs in our day.  Everyone keeps telling me that I need to have a focus with my blog, but I think my blog does have a theme – it’s just a funny, upbeat blog.  I could go the serious, bitch about stuff kind of blog (which, believe me, would be a lot easier to write about!!) but I don’t want to do that.  We have enough depressing shit in our lives!  So I am going to keep doing these type of blogs but I am also going to start doing reviews.

I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this before.  I watch a tonne of movies and tv shows so why not review them? So watch for that.

Tah Tah for now!