I Can’t Wait For, Dildos and Ass Holes (Hope you saw the comma)

I don’t think anybody strives for mediocrity.  When you dream as a kid – it’s never of something average.  Like when you start playing hockey – you don’t dream of riding the pine…you dream of playing in the NHL.  When you start something new, you don’t ever hope that you’ll be ok at it.  We’ve all watched the movies and dreamt of being a movie star….and all those people that say that they wouldn’t be able to handle all the paparazzi, blah, blah, blah are full of shit.

I’ll be honest, when I wrote my book I didn’t dream that 5 people would read it – of course I dream that I will some day, every time I have an idea for a book, be able to pick up the phone, call Jeeves, tell him to fire up the jet, whisk off to the island that I own, stay there for a month and write my new book. Who wouldn’t?

That’s not what I can’t wait for though.  I have big plans, of course.  I will do many great things, but here’s what I can’t wait for:  putting ass holes in their place.  Let me explain…

My husband and I have a little company.  Just for fun let’s say we sell dildos.  Now we buy dildos from a bigger company and re-sell them to oil companies….because dildos are in high demand in the oil industry.  Anyway, we buy dildos (I’m going to say dildos as many times as I can – dildos is a fun word to say.  Say dildos with me – dildos.  Dill – Do…Dildo.  See?  Dildos is fun to say) from another company – let’s call it Dildos Inc.  So we are a customer of Dildos Inc.  Remember that – we are Dildos Inc.’s CUSTOMER and we have been their customer for many years.

So Dildos Inc. is run by a couple of grumpy asses.  We had a bit of a misunderstanding with them about a year ago so I called to get back on more reasonable terms with them because, well, they are grumpy asses.  I talked to one of the bosses and asked what the problem was and he said it was because “it took nearly a year to get payment from you people”.  Huh?

Now….I knew we didn’t take a year and just to clarify – I went back into my books and checked – from the date of their invoice, having our mailbox broken into and them not receiving payment on time, having to put 2 stop payments on our cheques because the mail system wasn’t fast enough for these people and then hand delivering the cheque it was 4 months!  4 fucking months!! 3 for the 2nd invoice.  Not nearly a year, 4 fucking months!!!  And he spoke to me like that?  We are THEIR customers!!  Then he said we were full of excuses too!!  We are the customer!!!

That’s what I can’t wait for.  I can’t wait to be in the position to say, “you know what, you crotchety old fuck, you should really be careful who you’re talking to.  I happen to have a great deal of influence because I am not only a partner in Do You Dildo? but I happen to be Kelly Brookbank and if I so choose, I could destroy you, ass hole.”

You can’t treat people like that. I can’t stand when people act like that.  Why would you want to treat people like that?  Why would you want to BE like that?  Our life is too short to act like an ass hole.  I mean like a genuine ass hole – I’m an ass hole, but I’m a fun ass hole…there’s a total difference, I’ll explain that some time.  But in the mean time – be kind people….be kind.