Fun and light hearted shit

I was going to make this post about another celebrity coming to Alberta spewing her misinformed opinions among anyone that will listen to her.  I was going to comment about idiots that base their opinions on what they want to believe, not on what the facts actually are.  I was also going to comment on her sound bite about “seeing the oilfields felt like peeling her skin off”….well she would know how that feels, wouldn’t she?  Being a hollywood actress and being 110 years old and looking about 56.  Actually peeling her skin probably feels pretty good to her, so maybe it was a compliment?  I was also going to say, Jane Fonda, unless you’re here to become educated, which you clearly are not, get back into your private jet and go back to what you’re good at – getting face peels.  And I was also going to say – go piss up a rope.

But, this blog isn’t about politics – although there was a tonne of funny things I could have blogged about the US election and Trudeau is pretty much a cartoon character – this blog is about funny things and light hearted stuff.

We have a new puppy.  I don’t think I have ever had to break in a puppy before.  Our last dog, Bernie, was 3 months old when we got him so he was more mature than our puppy, Yoshi.  And Bernie was WAY more sensitive.  If he did anything wrong and you gave him shit, he would apologize profusely, go sit in the corner and never ever do it again.  The puppy stage with Bernie was a breeze.  Yoshi – not so much.

He’s a smart little shit.  We’re using treats to train him.  He gets a treat when he does anything right.  He’s already caught on to that, but he uses this to his advantage.  He will slightly bite my hand and wait for me to say, “No” and then immediately look at me and wait for the treat.  He knows exactly what to do “wrong” to get us to say “NO” so he can get his treat.  Little shit.  Then if I don’t have treats on me – watch out!  He goes crazy biting and totally forgetting everything he’s learned.  I think he’s obsessed with treats.

Smart as hell but he can’t figure out the pissing outside thing.  Although it’s colder than a witch’s tit outside…maybe he just doesn’t want to freeze his wiener off.  Hmmm, ok that totally makes sense.  I guess I wouldn’t want to pee outside either.  So I have to keep an eye on him at all times.  I am totally paranoid of him peeing inside.  He’s a total pain in the ass.

The 2 senior citizen cats hate him.  They are getting pretty sick of us bringing these stupid annoying little animals in their house at their old age.  The spook cat was finally getting used to the latest kitten we had around here, which is really weird for him – he hates everyone except for me and now we have brought in this fuzzy crazy thing that jumps around and barks.  He’s totally disgusted and so not going to ever like this dog….not at his age.  The other cat hid in the office for 2 days…not impressed.  The kitten likes him and think they will be bff’s.

But he’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.  I just want to kiss him and love him and cuddle him and pet him and snuggle him and nibble his ear and adore him and love him some more.  I have fallen in love with him already, even if he is a pain in the ass.  And there is no better feeling, after losing a pet, than seeing your kids playing with a new pet.  I think his crazy ass will fit in perfectly with ours.

Why I love my dog more than my husband

I thought of writing this blog but then thought, “No, I can’t, that would be mean.”  Then when I got up, I felt the kettle and it was hot but there was barely any water in it.  I’m pretty sure my dog would never make himself a coffee/tea and not make enough for me.  Decision was made.  Here is why I love my dog more than my husband.

  1.  My husband just texted me things “not to forget” to do.  My sweet dog would never do that.  He doesn’t even get mad at me when I forget to feed him!
  2. When my dog and I cuddle in bed (he’s a Bernese Mountain Dog, so he’s big and hairy) he knows when it’s time to stop.  He gets when it’s too hot.  When the temperature gets above “way too fucking uncomfortable”, he gets the hell out of there and sleeps on the floor.  Oh what I wouldn’t give for the husband to do that.
  3. My dog doesn’t hold a grudge or pout.  When I suggest that I’m hot and the husband should go sleep on the floor, OMG you should see the pouting!  Bernie (my dog – I know, not a very creative name) doesn’t complain at all. He actually suggests it.  What a good boy.
  4. My husband smiles when he is happy.  So does Bernie.  He actually smiles.  You can see it in the above picture and the picture below.  Plus he wags his tail….I have never seen the husband wag his tail.  Not even so much as his but wiggle.  What’s with that?
  5. Bernie is happy to see me E V E R Y time. Bar none.  When I pull into the driveway, Bernie comes to my door and we hug.  Always happy to see me. I swear the husband thinks up things to be pissed off at me about when he’s outside (I’m pretty sure he thinks we’re going to have make-up sex….it’s never EVER worked, but he’s still holding out hope).
  6. Bernie ISN’T a dumbass.  See above.
  7. Everybody loves Bernie.  He’s the most mild tempered, sweetest, dog ever.  The husband?  Well not so much.  There’s a few people who like him though.
  8. Bernie jumps on the trampoline with my daughter.  The husband would end up in the hospital if he attempted the trampoline.
  9. Bernie plays hide-and-go-seek with my daughter.  She says, “Stay” upstairs, then goes downstairs and hides, then she says, “Bernie – come” downstairs and he will come and find her.  My daughter would still be hiding if she played with the husband.
  10. Bernie walks beside me (or whoever is walking him) and doesn’t even need a leash.  Even if another dog comes by, if you tell him to stay – he will stay.  He’s just that smart and obedient.  The husband, on the other hand, will trail off – you have to keep an eye on him at all times. We have gone through so many leashes…

There’s a million reasons why I love my dog.  I know everyone says that their dog is the best dog, but my dog is really the best dog.  Ask anyone who’s met him! He’s not a guard dog – he’d probably invite the robbers in, make them supper and show them the remote.  He doesn’t fetch – he sits right beside me after I throw the ball and says, “nice arm, mom!  I’m going to sit right here while you pet me.  Any reason why you threw that ball out there?”  He’s not a water dog, he could be absolutely sweltering and he will go up to his ankles into the lake – and that is pushing it for him!!!  But I have an alarm system, am lazy and hate wet dog smell so I could care less!

Simply put, I just love my dog to pieces.  We just found out that he has stomach cancer and we will have to put him down.  I’m seriously gutted, but I can’t imagine not having a berner in my life.  I was thinking the other day that I should start breeding berners so I never have to feel like this – I will always have a berner around me….the husband said no.  I think I might put him down as well.

Stayin’ Positive!?!???

This blog was meant to be fun, funny, entertaining.  It was never meant to be an opinion blog or for me to vent or bitch.  I mean, seriously – every Monday I could probably blog about hockey.  I could bitch every Tuesday about the state of Alberta and our idiot leaders, both Provincially and Nationally.  Wednesday could be dedicated to the husband…. actually I’ve always thought there should be an anonymous site where you could just bitch about your partner – it could be just something simple, like how insensitive they are or something more serious, like you’re having an affair.  Do they have a site like that?

Thursday could be a blog about anything that I see on the news and Friday could be my frustration with the progression of my book.  I’ve actually thought of starting a different blog just to vent.  I think it would be quite cathartic.

BUT, that’s not what I wanted for this blog.  So where am I going to find inspiration for positive/funny thoughts?  My book?  Well….I am getting closer, but I’m more frustrated than anything.  Yesterday was uber crazy, I barely had time to think, every minute was taken!  So when I was grabbing some groceries quickly for supper I bought some magazines because one of the story lines looked like a possible idea for a book.  I finally took a break and read People magazine – that was all I needed….

Ok, so you know the part of the magazine that showcases celebrities that have been married, had babies, gone to court, got engaged, birthdays or died in the last month?  So those of you that don’t know – there’s this magazine called People, which is an entertainment magazine.  In this magazine there’s a section in it that tells you and shows some pictures of celebrities that have gotten married, had a baby, gone to court, are getting married, having birthdays or died.

Gotten married – boring.  Now listen to this – Kelsey Grammer, Frasier off Cheers and then from his own show of the same name, and his wife just had a baby.  Ya, that’s right, you saw right – that old guy just had a kid.  So he’s 61 and his wife is 35.  Yup, you saw that right too.  35.  This is their third child together.  Their other two children are 4 and 2.  So add that to his four other kids and that makes seven.  Whoa…back that up.  He has four other kids?  What the what?  Yup, his four other kids are 12 and 15 (from his playboy wife), 24 (from a woman he met at a bar) and 33 – whom he also has a grandkid from – and was also involved in his sister’s murder, but we won’t get into that…(from a dance instructor).

Having a grandkid older than your own kid is just weird.  I don’t care what you say.  You can site families who have done that.  I know families that have done that.  It’s still weird.

I take that back, 61 isn’t old – BUT if you have a kid at 61, you sure as shit will feel old!!  Gross, I just got the heeby jeebies thinking about having a kid at 61.  I didn’t want to have a kid at 41, let alone 61!  Ugh.  So a newborn and a 2 year old and a 4 year old at 61!  Kill me now.  Well for normal people that would be torture but they probably have a nanny for each child…Go ahead Kelsey, have another one or two.

Judgment – Nick Gordon, the former girlfriend of Bobbi Brown has been ordered to pay $36 MILLION to her estate because he was found liable in her wrongful death case.  $36 MILLION!  That’s all I’m going to say about that, because believe me – my comments would not be funny.  I seriously need to start up a different blog to vent!!

Engaged – Ricky Martin is engaged.  Good for him.  Have you ever secretly hoped that some gay guys aren’t really gay?  No?  Well you can go piss up a rope.  I have and Ricky Martin is one of them.  He’s hot.  But I suspect he’s one of those guys that is constantly singing, like singing everything.  Singing the grocery list kind of singing everything.  That would be annoying.  He’s still hot though.

Died – Country singer Holly Dunn.  I had no idea who that was so I looked her up, she sang Daddy’s Hands.  I’m pretty sure everyone knows that song ’cause they’ve heard it at a funeral.  She also sang “You Really Had Me Going”.  This is the song:

I didn’t recognize it until I listened to it and then I was like – “Oh ya, I remember that song.”  Anyway, she died.

Birthdays – Britney Spears is 35.  Same age as Kelsey Grammer’s wife!  Maybe those two should start having babies…. There goes those heeby jeebies again.

I’m never going home again.

I had it, I simply had it!  I couldn’t stand it any more so I walked out!  And came straight to the library.  I am never using my internet again! I have realized that it’s not just the internet that is the problem – apparently wordpress doesn’t not like uploading pictures – but it certainly does it at a much quicker pace than it does at home, let me tell you!  So I have some stores that I can tell you about for Christmas shopping ideas.  (Remember, I am at the library, so some creepy guy is lurking beside me – he totally wanted to strike up a conversation but I didn’t look at him so he got the hint.  He smells too.  Awesome)

First store:  Value Drug Mart.  There are a tonne of stocking stuffer ideas here, at least there better be because I missed black Friday and I have to go back to get the Wish Pearl Necklace.  You get a real clamshell that has a pearl in it!  It’s so cute.  The front displays are packed full of GREAT stocking stuffers.  Sorry about some of the blurry pictures – for being a great photographer, my daughter needs to stick to landscapes…  I also love the black bears, they are so cute!  There’s shelves full of collectables and fun stuff!  I think creepy guy just farted.

The Beer Locker:  Alcohol is always a good gift.  They have some really good suggestions, check out their beautiful store and see what they’ve got!

Global Pet Foods:  Don’t forget about our 4 legged friends!  They deserve some love this time of year too!

Ok, I’ve had it – he seriously stinks.  He just farted again.  But now that I know the library has this fabulous internet I will be here all the time and will have all the stores done!  Tonight though – I will, hopefully, finish my book!  Yay!  Oh gawd, I’m outta here.






Great.  Now on top of my already queasy stomach I can add the tinge of hangover belly.  Shoulda known better.  My kid’s bug has made it’s way over to mama’s body.   Awesome.  I hate throwing up, but I’ve pretty much mastered it.

Give me a break though, I was excited.  I still am excited.  My book is just about done.  That’s exciting.  And it’s still good!  I was totally into it last night, I completely forgot that I wrote it!  Except the first chapter – it’s shit.

Back to my blog….I STILL can’t upload pictures.  Sometimes when there’s no school and there’s tonnes of people on the internet it acts likes the evening, all day.  Did that make sense?    So that’s what it’s doing today.  Long story short – I can’t show you all the pictures of the cool stuff that’s around town today.  Blame my kid.

Just go shopping locally today and avoid all the chaos of the city.  I’m going to be in bed trying to avoid the toilet.

did i really do that?

You are not going to believe this!

So I’m going through my book to finish all my edits and I have the tv playing in the background.  I always have to have something playing, although I probably shouldn’t, I would probably get more work done.

First of all I had the X-Files playing because that’s what the husband had on to go to sleep to.  We’re now, once again, at the end of the series (the part of the series that I really hate) so I waited until the husband was in a deep sleep and then I changed the program to a series that I hadn’t watched in a long while: Once Upon A Time.

I started reading my book again and realized that my first chapter is shit.  No wonder I don’t have an agent.  I must make a note to tell everyone who ever intends to buy this version or if I ever send this version to an agent again that I wrote the first chapter when I was in grade 6 in Ms. Schwab’s (I don’t even think that’s her name) class and I haven’t been able to let it go because she brought out the best writer in me…or just admit that the first chapter is shit and ignore it.

So I kept on reading because I knew I had to give this new “up-and-coming-author” a chance. I have to be on the look-out for typo’s and any editorial changes that I made.  AND I actually found myself reading and forgot that I actually wrote this book!  OMG, I can’t wait to share this book with you guys!

Anyway, realized that I wasn’t watching Once so I turned it to “Died Too Early” or something like that and it’s featuring James Belushi.  His mother’s name is Agnes!  Can you fucking believe that?

Here’s the latest picture:  Ha ha ha ha

Chu wuz lucky

Ahhhhh chu wuz lucky gerrrrrlll.

My netflix went off.  I wuz abowt to go off.  Ok, I can’t type “to go off” in a Brooklin accent, you’re just going to have to imagine it.  Off..ahff, ya, I guess ahhhffff, that’s the best that I can do.   Autocorrect does not know 80’s cartoon language – like wowsers, who doesn’t know one of the most annoying cartoons ever like Inspector Gadget?.  So I just about went on a half an hour philosophical rant there…. but then I pulled myself back.  You’re kind of welcome…but then you’re kinda not,  because it was some cool shit, just debbie downer kinda stuff.

And tu, isn’t it?  like tu, as in puff without the ff’s, tu – tu go ahff, eye wuz abowt tu gow ahff, I think that’s it!!  That’s totally gangster!!! Sweet!  Forget about it!! Oh shit, I totally Canadianized it.  Fuck a duck.

How many of you just went back and re-read that?  Ha! Ha, so did I!!

So I was thinking that my internet had completely gone off! So I was going to blast!  It was going to be all about – Fack!  Now I can’t even watch Netflix!  Don’ even min’ downloadin’!

But it was just a blip, it’s ok.

Oh, I should’ve mentioned at the beginning of this blog to “take my hand, we’re going on a tiny adventure into my brain!  Enjoy”  See you in an hour or so

Not yet

Well, Its midnight and I still can’t upload a picture.  I thought I had gone and fucked the whole experiment up by trying to put netflix on at the same time as uploading the pictures!  What the hell was I thinking?  I could’ve blown up the whole system!  The booming metropolis of Rocky Rapids could’ve been out of internet!  I must be tried and punished.

I somehow managed to sneak out of the whole disaster unscathed and the people of Rocky Rapids are pretty much unaware so I have decided to go on with the experiment but only for the sakes of my 8 loyal peeps.  But I am going to be productive, oh yes.  I have my book back!  I got results after being Canadianly pissed off!  I heatedly typed to my account manager that my silence should not be mistaken for compliance, oh yeah.  I was appropriately annoyed and quite significantly, inwardly irritated!  I would expecT (that’s NOT a typo) a return call at your earliest? last? second place? convenience. So NOT proud of you….

I now have my book back!  I think she felt bad for me. They are, however going to expedite things for me.  Ummm, that’s fucking right you’re going to expedite things, the whole process was supposed to be done by now.  That’s the thing when you invest in writers, you just never know who’s going to be successful!  I’m not really a pussy-cat.  I will stand up for myself.  I just try to be nice about it!  Now leave me alone, I’m reading a really good book!! Awe, shit I have a really cute picture of my silly cat I could put here.  Son of a bitch….

I swear…it's who I am…prepare yourself