Reverse A.D.D.

I have a serious case of A.D.D., but I wouldn’t throw the H. in there because I’m too lazy.  I like to call it “squirrel!” from the movie “Up”.  Not only do I walk into the room and go, “What the fuck did I come in here for?” I have gone into the wrong room, twice, in someone else’s house.  But if it’s something I don’t like to do, I have reverse A.D.D….Let me explain:

Today I was running on the treadmill, something I don’t like to do, but if I have to exercise, it’s the least painful thing I can find to do.  I need a distraction otherwise I am completely focused on the clock ‘o shame counting the minutes of patheticness that is my “out-of-shapeness.”  My distraction of choice is the TV and on said TV I choose to watch Coronation Street.  “Wow, you are out of shape!” you must be saying, “because Coronation Street is only half an hour!”  Well, luckily enough I have procrastinated long enough to get my fat ass off the couch and actually get my fat ass on to the treadmill that I have some episodes banked up….but thanks for the vote of confidence.  Ass hole.

So there I am watching my favorite soap opera, (I will blog about that in the future, it seriously is the best soap…stay tuned) trying my best not to watch the mocking little clock, slowly ticking away when a god damned mosquito lazily saunters by me.  What. The.  Fuck.  A mosquito?  Seriously?  There is still a dirty, gross ass pile of snow in my yard and this snarly little ugly mosquito flies by me? Oh no you di-int.

So I watch it.  This mother fucker is not getting out of my line of sight.  Have you ever noticed that mosquitoes don’t really fly fast?  They are lazy sons o bitches.  Keep in mind that I am still running on the treadmille.  The mosquito jogs to the left.  Just out of my reach.  Oh, here it comes – just in front of my face.  Clap my hands!  Shit missed it.  It saunters to the right of me.  Clap my hands again.  Did I get it?  No, shit! as I turn my head to the right, holy shit I was just about a you-tube video, falling off the treadmill right onto my face!  Ummm, turn around and keep your hands on the rails, dumb ass.

Holy shit, I should really have this on camera.  Ok, what did I miss on Coro – ouch, what was that on my elbow?  Nothing.  There’s no way that mosquito could’ve gotten back onto my elbow already.  Geez, now my head’s itchy.  Hmmm, our minds work in mysterious ways, don’t they?  Your head is itchy now, isn’t it?  Or your neck?  Somewhere on your body is itchy and you are dying to itch it….bwaa, haaa, haaa.  Anyway, now that I saw a mosquito, my brain is telling me that I have all these phantom itchy spots all over the place.  That’s fucked up.

Where is that mosquito anyway?  In that corner?  No, but there is a large spider web. (my treadmill is in my garage, I should’ve explained that earlier…) Why can’t the mosquito just fly into the spider web?  Maybe mosquitoes are smarter than we thought. You don’t usually see mosquitoes in cobwebs, do you?  You usually see flies or other flying insects, but not mosquitoes.  And I know we kill mosquitoes all the time, but they only live for so many hours so maybe we only kill the ones that are close to dying – the big ones, I don’t usually see the little ones, have you ever seen a tiny mosquito?  I think there is a mosquito conspiracy going on that no one even knows about….

Maybe I should clean that cobweb off.  But why would I clean that off?  It’s in the corner of the car door opener that we don’t even use.  Our garage is our gym.  We have a garage, with garage doors that are automatic that doesn’t ever have vehicles come in it, that’s pretty messed up.  But quite fitting for our family.  Come to think of it, that whole corner needs to be cleaned out.  But then I would have to clean the whole garage and who the fuck wants to do that?  Did I just hear that right?  Sally won the election?  OMG Norris is going to be pissed!  I see the mosquito!  Holy Christ that’s the biggest spider I have ever seen!  You have got to be kidding me, I’ve ran 3kms?  I’m getting off this fucking thing and going to blog about how fucked up our brains are.

I sat down, opened the computer and the mosquito flew by me – killed that mo fo – one clap for me.  Did I just see a squirrel?

 

I saw a sign…..

We recently got back from Vegas.  The last time we were there we took our 2 kids, only for the day/night so they could get the experience before they were old enough to come back and get drunk and do things that I don’t want to imagine my children would ever do.  That was about 4 years ago.

That last time, as the same this time, there were your homeless/movie star-getting-into-a-role/drug addict people living on the street begging for money.  Nothing new.  The last time they had their standard signs that read “Need money for food”  “Lost job” “Need to feed kids”your usual signs that made you feel sorry for them so you would give them your money and they would go buy drugs or alcohol with it.

Now, I distinctly remember the last time, on one of the over-passes, a man had a sign that read “Need money for weed.”  Well, my husband and I thought that was hilarious and we gave him money.  I would rather give a man money who is honest about what he’s going to spend it on than someone who says they need it for food when you know damn well he’s going to spend it on drugs or alcohol!

So this time when we went back, all the people’s signs said “Need money for weed”  “Need weed”  “Like to drink”.  I guess the homeless caught on that you should be somewhat honest.  I didn’t see any that said, “Heroin or die, baby!”  or “I want me some Meth!”, no – they didn’t go that far.  But this time, curiously on an overpass again (not sure if it was the same one), was another very funny sign that read, “Just lookin’ at butts”.  Guess who got our money this time?

I did see another sign that made me shake my head, it said, “Go fuck yourself.”  I’m not sure he really got the concept…..

Concert Etiquette

Ok, listen people – we need to go over what concert etiquette is and if you think you know – you don’t and I’m abouts to tells you what it’s all about.

#1  If you are anywhere other than the floor, not everyone wants to stand up all the fucking time.  Maybe check yourself and your surroundings.  If you are the only dumbass standing up and screaming, fist-pumping at the slowest song – sit your fucking ass down.  Even if it’s a mediocre song and you want to stand up but no one else is, stay sitting.  Table dance.  Look like you have to piss your pants, I don’t give a shit but stay sitting – don’t be the one ass hole that stands in a sea of sitting people because you know what?  You might have me behind you.  And I will tell you to sit the fuck down.  Or fuck the fuck off.

#2  If you are on the floor, it’s ok to inch your way up to the front.  If people in front of you give up their spot to go get a drink, you can take their spot – that’s ok.  If you decide to go get a drink, you have forfeited your spot – you CAN NOT go back to your spot and no one is going to hold it for you.  Don’t be an ass hole.  That’s the way it works.

#3  Don’t, and I repeat Don’t go barging your way through the crowd.  That’s right – because you might find yourself coming up behind someone like me….or more accurately, my elbow.  I get very grumpy when dummy douche hounds think they can just go busting by me.  Seriously?  I’ve been standing there for a long time.  Before the band even came out.  That’s what you’re supposed to do, you’re supposed to go early and get a spot.

Now, I’m too old to do the mosh pit thing – plus I’m just too angry and I think it’s stupid.  I get out enough aggression just on the outside dealing with dick cheeses that think they can get by me.  If you want to get into the mosh pit, that’s fine.  Get in at the front on the outside.  Don’t be comin’ on up through middle.  I will elbow you in the face.  Or, like the last guy found out, grab you by the throat and throw you back with a little – “Get the Fuck out of here.”  I’m pretty sure I wasn’t smiling either.  People are so stupid.

All right, I feel better now.  And the question is – does everyone understand?  ‘Cause I could explain it again.

Conclusions

What is a conclusion?  The Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines “Conclusion” as: a final decision or judgment : an opinion or decision that is formed after a period of thought or research.

Now, usually you: 1) Jump to a conclusion; or  2) Arrive at a conclusion.

The first statement is basically when you make a snap judgment of something.  You make an assumption before getting both sides of the story.  Like if you accidentally bump into someone in the street and you say, “Oops, I’m sorry”  and they are very rude and say, “Watch where you’re going, bitch”.  You’re going to automatically assume that they’re an ass hole.  But what you don’t know is, that guy’s mother is going through breast cancer and he just found out that his wife is cheating on him.  It’s not right that he’s taking his anger out on someone else, but you might give him a bit more slack if you know the whole situation.

It’s very hard to try to understand the ‘other’ side of the story when the ‘other’ side is a murderer or a rapist or something icky like that.  I always read stories and watch TV shows about all kinds of people when I’m trying to think of stories to write about.  Recently I bought a magazine about serial killers.  The first story is about Ted Bundy.  Now there’s a fucked up guy. His only interview was on the day of his execution and he blames pornography.  The evangelical Christian preacher interviewer came in with an anti-pornography platform which Bundy knew, so Bundy played up to that.

So here’s a guy who is about to be put to death.  Why not atone for all your wrong doings?  Why not say sorry for everything you’ve done wrong?  I mean, Ted Bundy was no dummy.  He had to have know what he did was wrong.  Instead, he played into this interviewer’s agenda.  Who knows if anything that he said was even true.  It was probably just a last ditch effort to get this preacher to lobby for a stay of execution.

I always try, TRY, to give people the benefit of the doubt and get both sides of the story before coming to any conclusions but sometimes it’s just SO hard.  But then there’s situations that you just can’t.  Two people can see the same scenario and both can come to 2 different conclusions.  That is so frustrating.  It’s almost mind blowing when you argue with someone that saw the same thing and didn’t see the same thing you did.  What?  You don’t have the same opinion I do?  How dare you?

Don’t you wish, sometimes, you had someone beside you all the time that could just slap you?  Or, in the very least, talk in your ear to say, “excuse me, dumbass – you’re being a douche.”  Or something to that effect, to get you out of situations where you’re being stupid or embarrassing yourself?  Wouldn’t that be nice?  Doesn’t work when your husband does it – that just pisses us off.  Mostly because they’re wrong.  If we were telling ourselves shit, of course we would be right.

This blogging is hard.

I’m just kidding blogging isn’t hard, I’m just lazy.  Life gets in the way, blah, blah, blah.  Sorry.  I don’t know why I said sorry, it’s not like anyone reads this, so let’s just move on.

I CAN NOT wait for Intervention to come back on the air!  I am totally obsessed.  What’s really funny is that I used to watch it while I was on Percasets.  How the fuck do you spell that?  Anyway, I wasn’t hooked or abusing them, I actually needed them. Once they weren’t working any more I stopped taking them.  I was on them for 2 years, twice in my life…both times, I just stopped taking them.  That’s kind of fucked up too because I always thought I had an addictive personality.  Maybe people are just addicted to my personality?  Ha ha ha.  I’m funny.

Anyway, Intervention, I fucking love that show!  Probably because you have to feel better about yourself when you watch that show, I mean – how couldn’t you?  Unless you’re more fucked up than those people.  Although you probably wouldn’t be watching TV if you’re wasted, would you?  I don’t know.  Maybe you would, some of them are up for days on end.  At some point you would run out of shit to do, I would think you would end up watching TV.

The worst part is watching the whole thing, seeing them go to rehab, being all kumbaya and shit, then see that they relapse (which 90% do and that’s being conservative!).  It’s like, seriously?  I just watched that whole time.  I invested my time in you? And you let me down, ass hole?  You betta not see me on no side street askin’ me fo no green, mo fo!!  I’m pretty sure that’s talk from the ’90’s but I’m not exactly up on my gangsta rap.  Anyway, it’s always nice when they make it though.

Ok, next week we’ll talk about Hoarders…..so stay tuned for that!

Do people know they’re weird?

I know I’m weird.  I’ve known that since I was a kid.  I wear it like a badge.  I’m proud of it.  I like not being normal.  But I’m a good weird.  I’m the funny, outgoing, go-up-to-strange-people-and-ask-stupid-questions-to-get-a-laugh kind of weird.  I like it.  Makes life fun.  But then there’s the other kind of weird….

I just watched the Golden Globes.  Sorry Lady Gaga – you’re weird.  Now, when you were wearing all the strange costumes, everyone knew you were weird.  You were advertising that you were weird.  You were the fucking poster child for weirdness.  But then you did the whole documentary and made everyone feel sad for you because everyone treated you differently.  Ummm, if I was wearing Big Bird costumes mixed with astronaut outfits, I would expect people to treat me differently.  That would almost be expected, don’t you think?  Derrrr.

So now she’s dressing normal.  Did she have a nose job?  Just wondering.  I don’t have a problem with that.  I had a nose job, I’m just asking.  It looked smaller.  Good for her.  Anyway, so now she’s dressing normal, but she’s still weird.  So she doesn’t want people to treat her differently but she still acts weird – I mean did you see her walk on stage to give out the award?  She took twice the time as anyone else!  She just saunters out on stage going half speed.  I just seriously caught myself shaking my head.

So I’m wondering, does she know that she’s weird or does she think she’s normal?

The guy on the corner that’s dancing by himself to music that only he can hear in his head – does he know he’s weird?  I’m thinking he doesn’t give a shit.  He’s having a great time dancing away.  I have a great time watching him.  I’m going to join him one of these days…

I have 2 cats.  We just recently got a kitten because one of our hockey billets got it as a “Secret Santa” present….don’t get me started on that one.  The kids call it Oreo but I call it Batshit because it is Batshit crazy.  It has taken my glasses off my face 4 times now to chew on them.  It will jump on my pants and climb up my body.  It bites my fucking nose – I bite it back though…you gotta fight crazy with crazy.  By cat standards it is fucking weird.  Does it know it’s weird?  I can tell you, fo sho, that my other 2 cats KNOW it’s fucking weird!

I went to school with weird kids.  Did they know they were weird?  Or were they just dumb?  That’s a fine line isn’t it, between weird and dumb….maybe I’m not weird after all?

Just one year. What could happen?

What happened to you last year?  What happened to me?  I can’t think of  1 memorable fucking thing.  I mean, I have kids – they’re great, they do memorable things almost every day.  They’re funny kids, they do funny shit.  One kid is exceptionally talented in the athletic department (she gets that from me) and the other kid is funny as hell (gets that from me also…not even sure what I needed their dad for).

I mean, I just can’t think of something memorable that happened to me last year.  Come to think of it, I can’t think of anything memorable that’s happened to me my whole life. Barring kids, marriage, blah, blah, fucking, blah.  Everyone has those – that’s not memorable.  I mean memorable.  Mem-or-a-ble.  Cool.  Righteous dude.

I’m not talking take a trip to Vegas.  Who hasn’t done that.  Or get a new cat.  Crazy cat ladies do that.  Starting up a vegetable garden.  Come on, are you serious?  That’s not even remotely a good idea.  I’m talking something you’ve always wanted to do but never did and if you did it, people would look at you differently, you might even be famous!

I know what I want to do, but what do you want to do?  Not talking?  Ok, I’ll go first.  I wrote a novel.  Getting it published would be memorable.  Going into Chapters and seeing my book on the shelves would be awesome.  Seeing someone buying my book and going up to them and ask them if they wanted me to sign it would be fucking awesome!

Always thought you’d be a good actor?  Go to an audition.  You never know unless you try.  Have an idea you think would be a money maker?  Pitch it to someone.  Point is, fucking do something.  How long do we have to go looking back on the years and saying to ourselves, “Well, that wasn’t very memorable.”

Distractions…they’re everywhere!

Distractions are everywhere.  Unless you live on a mountain top.  And even then, there are distractions in your mind.  “Ok, I have to get up early tomorrow and go check the traps.”  Then the next morning you think…”Aw, fuck it – I’m sleeping in.  It’s not like the animals are going to get any deader.”

Some people have that inner voice that tells them, “No.  Don’t do it.  Resist that temptation.”  And that voice is stronger than their other voice that says, “Ok. You’re right.  I shall not resist.”

I have two voices as well, but my two voices have a different relationship.  My first voice says, “No, Don’t do it.  Resist that temptation.”  Actually that’s not true, my first voice used to say that.  Now it just says, “What are we kidding?  Why did you even set the alarm?”  I guess my voices know me better by now.  My second voice is on hiatus.  Where has she gone and how do I get her back?

Let’s be honest.  Second voice is a bitch.  She needs to get something out of this.  She needs some sort of incentive.  But what?  What’s in it for her?  Voice #1 needs to exercise.  Voice #2 would rather pull her toenails out with her teeth.  Voice #1 needs to exercise at 6am.  Voice #2 really likes to sleep!  Incentive better be fucking good to get Voice #2 out of bed at 6am to exercise.

And don’t give me that looking better, feeling better, blah, blah, fucking, blah bullshit.  That doesn’t work on Voice #2.  She’s been around that block one too many times.  Plus, there’s going to be excuses.  Oh the excuses!  My head hurts.  All of a sudden my stomach hurts.  I think all of the toes except the fourth one on my left foot are broken, etc. etc.

Signing up for shit doesn’t do it.  I don’t go.  Or I don’t meet the date.  So that’s not going to work.  Then I get annoying emails telling me how far behind I am.  I fucking hate that.

Oh no, it has to be good.  Exceptional.  My husband suggested something but I hate it when he’s right.  But it just might work.  I have a favorite show.  Coronation Street.  It’s the best show ever.  Seriously.  Best show ever.  That’ll be my next blog.  I watch it every day.  I PVR it every day.  BUT, for Voice #2 to get her ass out of bed at 6am, I will wait to watch it until tomorrow.

I hate Voice #2.

I swear. It’s just who I am. Prepare yourself.

This is my blog.  Blog.  I just like saying blog.  It’s a fun word.

I have recently become a writer.  I guess it was always in me.  I mean, I have always written really awesome emails for a hockey mom.  And I have always been a typo queen.  Typos drive me fucking crazy.  They literally drive me bat shit crazy.  Seriously, if you’re going to send something out to other people…send it to me first. Save yourself the embarrassment.

So I had an idea for a book – got the idea in the shower.  Hands up, how many people get their best ideas in the shower?  If I could write this blog in the shower I would.  Tweaked the idea on the treadmill.  Thankfully I went on the treadmill that one day.  I wrote out a timeline, started writing and four months later I had a novel.  Now what the fuck do I do?  That’s right!  Write a blog.  About what the fuck I’m supposed to do now.

I don’t know, I googled it and someone, somewhere said I’m supposed to blog, so that’s what I’m doing.  I have recently entered a writing contest.  The challenge is to write a short story every week.  I wrote the first one (1500 words) in about an hour.  First 2 reviews were very good. Phew! That’s all the reviews I’ve gotten.

I sent a few query emails to agents.  First agent’s website said if I don’t hear back within 3 months then they’re not interested. So now I’m waiting….  I just sent another query email to a different agent yesterday, it says they usually reply within 4-6 weeks.  Waiting.  Problem with both queries is that both descriptions of my book just don’t do it justice!  How can you describe a 93,000 word book in a few sentences?  You just can’t!  If I could call them and explain it that would be better.  Or not, I would probably come off like a raving lunatic, so maybe that wouldn’t be a good idea.  Plus I would probably be drunk.  Maybe a phone call wouldn’t be that good.  I guess I will wait.

I should probably have someone read my book.  I don’t want anyone that knows me to read my book, I don’t think I would get an honest opinion.  But who do I get to read my book that I trust?  Hmmm, more questions that I don’t have the answers to.

The writing contest has a community forum for writers to ask questions, etc.  Guess I’ll go on there and start asking questions!!

I swear…it's who I am…prepare yourself