I have a serious case of A.D.D., but I wouldn’t throw the H. in there because I’m too lazy. I like to call it “squirrel!” from the movie “Up”. Not only do I walk into the room and go, “What the fuck did I come in here for?” I have gone into the wrong room, twice, in someone else’s house. But if it’s something I don’t like to do, I have reverse A.D.D….Let me explain:
Today I was running on the treadmill, something I don’t like to do, but if I have to exercise, it’s the least painful thing I can find to do. I need a distraction otherwise I am completely focused on the clock ‘o shame counting the minutes of patheticness that is my “out-of-shapeness.” My distraction of choice is the TV and on said TV I choose to watch Coronation Street. “Wow, you are out of shape!” you must be saying, “because Coronation Street is only half an hour!” Well, luckily enough I have procrastinated long enough to get my fat ass off the couch and actually get my fat ass on to the treadmill that I have some episodes banked up….but thanks for the vote of confidence. Ass hole.
So there I am watching my favorite soap opera, (I will blog about that in the future, it seriously is the best soap…stay tuned) trying my best not to watch the mocking little clock, slowly ticking away when a god damned mosquito lazily saunters by me. What. The. Fuck. A mosquito? Seriously? There is still a dirty, gross ass pile of snow in my yard and this snarly little ugly mosquito flies by me? Oh no you di-int.
So I watch it. This mother fucker is not getting out of my line of sight. Have you ever noticed that mosquitoes don’t really fly fast? They are lazy sons o bitches. Keep in mind that I am still running on the treadmille. The mosquito jogs to the left. Just out of my reach. Oh, here it comes – just in front of my face. Clap my hands! Shit missed it. It saunters to the right of me. Clap my hands again. Did I get it? No, shit! as I turn my head to the right, holy shit I was just about a you-tube video, falling off the treadmill right onto my face! Ummm, turn around and keep your hands on the rails, dumb ass.
Holy shit, I should really have this on camera. Ok, what did I miss on Coro – ouch, what was that on my elbow? Nothing. There’s no way that mosquito could’ve gotten back onto my elbow already. Geez, now my head’s itchy. Hmmm, our minds work in mysterious ways, don’t they? Your head is itchy now, isn’t it? Or your neck? Somewhere on your body is itchy and you are dying to itch it….bwaa, haaa, haaa. Anyway, now that I saw a mosquito, my brain is telling me that I have all these phantom itchy spots all over the place. That’s fucked up.
Where is that mosquito anyway? In that corner? No, but there is a large spider web. (my treadmill is in my garage, I should’ve explained that earlier…) Why can’t the mosquito just fly into the spider web? Maybe mosquitoes are smarter than we thought. You don’t usually see mosquitoes in cobwebs, do you? You usually see flies or other flying insects, but not mosquitoes. And I know we kill mosquitoes all the time, but they only live for so many hours so maybe we only kill the ones that are close to dying – the big ones, I don’t usually see the little ones, have you ever seen a tiny mosquito? I think there is a mosquito conspiracy going on that no one even knows about….
Maybe I should clean that cobweb off. But why would I clean that off? It’s in the corner of the car door opener that we don’t even use. Our garage is our gym. We have a garage, with garage doors that are automatic that doesn’t ever have vehicles come in it, that’s pretty messed up. But quite fitting for our family. Come to think of it, that whole corner needs to be cleaned out. But then I would have to clean the whole garage and who the fuck wants to do that? Did I just hear that right? Sally won the election? OMG Norris is going to be pissed! I see the mosquito! Holy Christ that’s the biggest spider I have ever seen! You have got to be kidding me, I’ve ran 3kms? I’m getting off this fucking thing and going to blog about how fucked up our brains are.
I sat down, opened the computer and the mosquito flew by me – killed that mo fo – one clap for me. Did I just see a squirrel?