Excuse? Reason? Potato? Tomato?

What is the difference between an excuse and a reason?  Well let me tell you – obviously I’m going to tell you because if I didn’t the blog would be over…der. (That’s a word I say instead of duh.  You know…like…der.  Ya! Like that.)  Squirrel!  Anyhoo – I think the difference between an excuse and reason is believability.  Let me explain…

So, I have this rare fucking condition (I have many conditions – some are legit, some I make up – this one is real) called granuloma annulare that gives me these awesome tumors, bumps and lumps on my hands.  They’re really pretty – kind of like mold is pretty on cottage cheese – and annoying.  I’ve been going to my doctor every 10 days to get shots in the really big tumor looking one.  I don’t just get one shot though – oh nay nay, I get about 4 and he sticks the needle in and then moves it around and shoots it up.  Good times.  So now it’s all swolled up (yes I realize that’s not a word but I like it, therefor it is now a word.  I will start a dictionary of my own sometime.) and painful.  It hurts.  But typing I can compensate with other fingers, obviously.

SO!  Now, if I was to say to the husband that I couldn’t clean today because of my finger he would 1) assess whether he has a chance of having sex tonight and say ok or, more than likely, 2) say that it was an excuse.  Now, both of us know that I don’t like cleaning so the husband would definitely say it’s an excuse but I think it is a reason because my finger hurts!

If I was supposed to play volleyball today – my finger would be a reason I couldn’t but if I said I had irritable bowel syndrome – that would be an excuse.   Being sick – that’s a conundrum, cause everybody says that they’re sick and how many people really are?  And lots of people work through their sickness.  So most people don’t believe when other people are sick – so they think it’s an excuse. Unless they’re really sick – then it’s a reason – SO confusing….Then there’s just plain lying…I don’t think we have tie to get into that…

I used to work with someone when I was young who would come up with a different excuse every day that they couldn’t work – it became the running joke in our house.  “So, what’s the excuse today?”  “Well, apparently she broke her leg today.”  The next day her leg was perfectly fine.  She was very young but it was very funny.  I wonder if her kids do that today?

I have decided I am going to do something different with this blog.  I am going to keep doing my funny little blogs like this because we all needs laughs in our day.  Everyone keeps telling me that I need to have a focus with my blog, but I think my blog does have a theme – it’s just a funny, upbeat blog.  I could go the serious, bitch about stuff kind of blog (which, believe me, would be a lot easier to write about!!) but I don’t want to do that.  We have enough depressing shit in our lives!  So I am going to keep doing these type of blogs but I am also going to start doing reviews.

I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this before.  I watch a tonne of movies and tv shows so why not review them? So watch for that.

Tah Tah for now!


I Have Made a Terrible Mistake

This is awful.  Terrible.  Worst thing I’ve ever done.  Even worse than the first chapter of My Name is Agnes.  I must explain:

Ken has had a stroke (this wasn’t my fault – settle down people!) but he’s pretty old.  I’ve had a relationship with Ken for about 16 years now so I was pretty upset when I found this out.  But I have no idea what caused the stroke so now I’m devastated!

Tracy slept with Luke!  Ok, Tracy sleeps with everyone so that’s no big deal but Luke is such a good guy.  Tracy is a total nightmare so I don’t know how she keeps getting these really great guys!  Plus Luke has got to be about 10 years younger than her!  What the smell?

There was some car accident that David caused and now Anna has broken both of her legs but nobody but the Platt family (big surprise there – they are always keeping secrets) knows that David was behind it, but he was originally gunning for this Clayton guy who killed Kylie and now Clayton has gotten 15-life for killing Kylie but I didn’t see this epic car crash! Sarah Platt and Gary Windass are in love but Gale hates the Windass family.  Anna & Michael have figured Phelan out, Kaz is missing and everyone thinks Maria killed her and Brian is back but not with Julie!  Phew!

Ok, you might have figured out this is a soap opera.  This is Coronation Street – my favoratistest show in the world.  British soaps are much different than those in the States.  American soap operas can have one day on the show go on for a week in real time.  If you don’t watch it for a year, don’t worry…watch it once and you will be caught up.  With British soaps, if you miss one episode you’re fucked!

Now this is where I fucked myself, but not literally.  I decided that I would start recording my favourite show in the garage so I would get myself back running on the treadmill.  I thought that my love for Coronation Street would win over my laziness.  I thought wrong.  So I finally get my fat ass out there and I have 72 episodes to watch.  Yup, sounds about right.  I start watching and Son of a Stroke Victim! Ken is in the hospital!  Apparently my PVR has maxed out my show and I have missed some crucial episodes!!

Did I learn my lesson?  Hell to the- ‘what do you think’?  4 days go past and I have missed another crucial episode!  Fucking Anna and
Michael get evidence on Phelan somehow and Michael goes and confronts Phelan but I don’t know how they got the evidence!  Something happened with Gemma but I don’t really care about that shit.

One good thing about it is all these strange characters keep showing up so I have to keep running to find out who they are.  It’s nice to now that I can still get on the treadmill and run for 6 kms.  I’m not sure why I call it run because I’m pretty sure I could walk briskly at the same pace but I don’t give a shit – I feel like I’m running.  Well, I must go I have a tonne of shit to do.  All the PR’ing for my book is really time consuming, that is why I haven’t been blogging for a while.  Sors.  No excuse – I know.  But first I must get on the treadmill  …..

Dear Mr. DiCaprio

Dear Mr. DiCaprio

This is a letter from one of your northern neighbors from Alberta; It’s ok, you can stop lobbying on our behalf now. I know you’re worried about us, and you’re going to feel silly after I tell you this but, you were misinformed! Another thing I’m not sure you’re aware of is that when you get all rich and famous and stuff, people that you ask to be your “experts” turn into “yes men”. I’m not sure who you got to take you on a tour of the oil sands and fly around with you, but I’m sure a pre-requisite was that they came with their own cigars and had small heads because they certainly both blew smoke up and had their heads up your ass. By the way, when you were flying over the oil sands, wasn’t the fact that you could actually SEE below you a good indication that we don’t pollute the air? In fact I know that you could see because the Alberta government computes Air Quality Health Index from sensors in 5 communities surrounding the oil sands continually. Each of their 17 continuously monitored stations measure 3-10 air quality parameters said to indicate ‘low risk’ air quality more than 95% of the time. Wow! I sounded smart right there, didn’t I?

BUT, don’t take my word for it. If you go to the Real Time Air Quality Index you will see that nowhere in Canada, no city registers anywhere higher than low risk. In fact, Edmonton (the closest city to the oil sands) is the 5th Canadian city listed on the Real Time Air Quality Index registering at 30. Strangely enough if you look along the coast of California, the Air Quality Index rate goes up and that just happens to be where your oil rigs are. Why haven’t you spoken out against those? Oh right, that would be like shitting on your back step, wouldn’t it? I feel ya. So let’s put that Index rate of 30 for Edmonton into perspective. Obisbo, California’s Air Quality Index rate is 124 (100 – 150 is unhealthy for sensitive groups)…Oh right, shitting on your doorstep, we already covered that. San Salvador Centro, El Salvador Mexico’s rate is 153 (unhealthy). Still too close? In India they are registering 397 (hazardous). In Shanghai 495 (hazardous). Thstudents-wearing-faceose are the places you should be lobbying! Oh but wait, what about Saudi Arabia? Unfortunately those areas didn’t submit their Air Quality Index Rates for us to see….

And then here’s some stats and smart data stuff:

  • Greenhouse Gas Emissions (GHG)
  • Alberta became the first jurisdiction in North America to legislate greenhouse gas (GHG) emissions reductions for large industrial facilities by passing the Specified Gas Emitters Regulation (SGER).
  • In 2012, oil sands accounted for about 8.7 per cent of Canada’s GHG emissions and about 0.1% of global GHG emissions.
  • Between 1990 and 2012, oil sands producers reduced per barrel emissions by an average of 28 per cent. Source: Environment Canada
  • Carbon Capture and Storage(CCS) is a technology that can be used in a number of industries to reduce CO2 Alberta is investing $1.3 billion over 15 years in two large scale CCS projects, the Alberta Carbon Trunk Line and the Quest Project.

GHG sources are also listed with Alberta Environment and Parks.

Another question I have, besides the obvious (what fuel was the plane using), is did you fly over a Russian oil field? Or a Saudi Arabian oil field? No? How come? Oh right, because you would have been shot down. Come to think of it, I don’t think I have ever seen an overhead picture of a Saudi or Russian oilfield. I wonder why that is? Oh right, because there’s no free press in most OPEC dictatorships. And if you did write about it in a non-OPEC state, like Russia, you would be assassinated like the other 8 reporters who did. Do we actually have any real stats from these countries? We have all these pictures and give all these interviews and tours of our oil sands but what about these other oil producers? Do they? No. Makes you kind of wonder why, doesn’t it? Stay tuned….

But what else? We must be doing more wrong than that, you wouldn’t condemn us for just pollution because, I’m sure, you had a sneaking suspicion that there really wasn’t any pollution here, didn’t you? ‘Cause of all the clear skies and stuff…. 13095998_884294855029728_7413525895044717266_nWhat about the land? We must be screwing that up. Well, did you know that we are reclaiming it? Did your “yes men” tell you that? Here’s a fact, “Industry is legally obligated to reclaim all disturbed land to a productive state, and return it to the Government of Alberta.” But of course, they probably showed you what it looks like now and didn’t tell you we’re reclaiming it. Well it’s not done overnight for shit sakes! Here’s some more smarty pants facts:

  • About 82km2 is under active reclamation and 72 km2 has been reclamed.
  • Industry has planted more than 12 million tree seedlings towards reclamation efforts.
  • Mines are often in operation for decades and reclamation activities on these sites can subsequently take decades to complete.
  • The largest tree planters in Canada are oil sands companies

Here’s a link:

By the way, until recently, if you searched the Alberta Oil sands on Wikipedia these would have been the stats that came up, but now, since we have new dipshits in power, new “anti-oil sands” stats come up. Weird!

So why pick on Canada? It’s obvious that compared to all the other oil producers we are the responsible ones, so why would you try to prevent us from producing? Why, in any sane person’s world, would you want any of the other producers to continue? Well, it seems obvious to me. You think we are in danger. Well we’re not. So knock it off. And another reason could be….we’re an eas11225743_768992919873981_8050858399757116392_ny target! We have two dipshits that are running our province and our country that you would get a better fight out of from the dead horse you slept in in the movie, “The Revenant.” And I mean now….after it has been in the forest….decomposing. Seriously, they
have done about as much research as your “yes men.” And seriously Leo (Can I call you Leo? Thanks, you can call me….any time….) Attacking us is kind of like shitting on your front door step. All you’re doing is helping to perpetuate the ridiculous notion that drilling oil in Alberta is bad. And it’s not!  And you’re putting hard working, responsible people out of work.   About 80,000 by last count.

We are so closely monitored in Alberta that we are constantly being scrutinized (again, pick on the small kid in the corner that’s easy to be picked on because all of the other bullies are sitting in their armored tanks!) that nothing goes unnoticed, as per Alberta law. Every oil company in Alberta has to report ALL oil spills from about the same as what is spilled at a gas station every day to large oil spills. Who legislates the other countries? Hmmm, let’s see. Saudi Aramco – the state-owned oil company that’s as large as ExxonMobil, Shell and BP combined, is owned by the Saudi government and a dictatorship doesn’t sue itself.

And what about the other guys? What do they use their oil money for? Iran uses their oil money to build a Nuclear weapon and Russia uses theirs to rebuild its armed forces and the successor agency to the KGB, called the FSB.* Ya, can’t see them reporting anything!! Canada? We finance peacekeeping missions. That’s right, get us bastards out!! How dare us!

Now really, seriously, the only reasonable thing for you to do would be to take your fight somewhere where it would actually make a difference, maybe to Saudi Arabia? Oh, but I think I saw somewhere that you have ties there? You know what? I’m not falliLeonardo-DiCaprio-looked-handsome-while-shooting-Wolf-Wallng for that crap. I refuse to believe it without actually researching it fully. I will need to hear it from your own two lips. (Again, call me…any time….wink wink.) You wouldn’t be doing all this for your own benefit. I choose to believe that you are actually concerned about the earth, as am I. So now that you are well informed (I hope you fired some of those “yes men”, after you slowly removed them from your ass and stole all of their cigars) you will lobby to bring the oil drilling back to Alberta and lobby against the drilling in the foreign countries. It really is the responsible thing to do.

Once we get all our Albertans back working again, the dipshits out of power and all the foreign oil polluters stopped we can sit back and laugh about all this ridiculousness! Hopefully on your yacht…that’s fuelled by vegetable oil. Ha, ha! See how we’re laughing already?

Thanks Leo,

Talk soon, K?